


I Was Selfish

by Shellock



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholic Dean, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Dean Being an Asshole, Drinking, F/M, Gen, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, SEE THE NOTE AT THE END OF THE WORK FOR WARNINGS, ps they include spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 01:45:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3877651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shellock/pseuds/Shellock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Days pass from Dean's shitty and grinding life until he meets Castiel. The moment is not perfect, no angels singing, no violin music, moreover Dean even punches Cas. Though they came along well later on and change each others life. The only question is if this is good or bad.</p><p> </p><p>~ <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/3877273">MAGYAR VERZIÓ</a> ~</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was Selfish

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the story on my own but a wonderful person, [Fantazy-Mad](http://fantazy-mad.deviantart.com/) helped me a lot. Like she read it after I finished it and she was the one who translated it from hungarian to english. She's on Deaviantart and Tumblr by the name 'Fantazy-mad'. It's worth to take a look at her stuff. She's a really good artist c: I hope you'll enjoy reading my story!

I was selfish. Now I know. I’ve always been...  
My life started with a shitty childhood. My mother was killed in front of my eyes when I was little. My father was a maniac asshole. He wanted to carve soldiers out my brother and me. If we went wrong in some way, he would beat me up mercilessly. Me, because I never let him to touch Sammy. I tried to be a good brother and to always protect Sam. I tried to grant him a normal life. I didn't want him to be trained like me. Even so he got a big load of the goods too. And when he got the chance, he ran away. I had to stay. This was the only way I could ensure our father leaves him alone. I stayed and let him to carve a careless killing machine out of me, to empty my soul and use me for his own will. I thought a lot of my little brother. Sometimes I got angry at him for leaving me by myself, but mostly I was just concerned about him, because I didn't know how he managed on the streets on his own. I haven’t heard of him for ages.  
After a usual night spent at the alehouse I heard somebody mentioning him at the table behind me. Flawless university exams, fiancee, own apartment, such a lucky guy, stuff like this. That was just enough for me. I lost it. However I could say it was because of the boose, but that’s already in my blood. Compared to my usual self I was sober and acted consciously. I visited him that night right away, broke the door down on him, shouted with him, I blamed him for everything and beat him up for it. I barely remember anything else, I lost my mind. I don’t even know how I got back from there. The next day I woke up in a trench, means I had an ordinary morning. And what did I do? Went back. But not to apologize. I was still angry, and I felt everything was his fault. He’s the reason I am our fathers fucked up inebriate soulless puppet. But when I stepped in the house my thoughts changed. There was Sam’s bride, Jess, who with a frightened but firm jump blocked my way that I first had to get through her before I try to hurt Sam again who layed in bed with broken ribs. And that there’s no God she’d let me touch him. Suddenly I felt dizzy. As I looked in Jess’ eyes I saw my old self. I tried to protect Sammy so selfsacrificely too. ’Cause for God’s sake, he’s my brother. I was always there to prevent him ever getting hurt and now I AM the one attacking him. Even for no reason. This has nothing to do with him. He has never done anything wrong. He just got off when he had the chance, when I told him to run. To run as far as he could and never look back, not to ever bother with me. As I slowly started to realise this, without a word my first steps led me to the pub where I drank myself down to the ground. I sobered out the next day - but just to that Dean-style-sober-.It never got to my mind that my father is the one I should be blaming. Now I know it was because after on all the disciplines and missions I forgot to think on my own, I followed him blindly. After a while I didn't think it was wrong. I thought I must have earned it, I deserved it. But then why did I attack Sam? Because I realised this is not right. These years with my father… I became violent, reckless and cruel. Half year after I attacked my brother our father died. I needed half a year to finally see that my father was the one to be at blame… After his funeral I collapsed. Not because of his death, I was happy about that, but because I realised I am nothing. A violent, alcoholictic nothing. I gave half of the heritage to Sam, because he wasn’t mentioned in the testament. From the money he got he bought a house for me, because he knew I would never buy something like this on my own. Maybe he wanted to repay me that first shove that I gave him ten years ago. But the problem was that I didn’t move forward. I didn’t want to move forward. I burried myself in alcohol even more than before. He tried to help me, he was always there when I needed him. He came over often, he tried to speak with me, he brought over plants – that all died a slow, drying death- and was most patient with me. Meanwhile they’ve had their wedding –that I almost ruined-, his son were born and the second one was already on it’s way. They kept garden partys, I got invited for almost all of them. Even until this day Jess doesn’t like me but she always endures me. She doesn’t really let me close to their children, but that is understandable. Sam is dirty lucky with her. But he deserves it.  
So I lived my miserable little life like this when one day everything changed.Of course, I couldn’t know that back then.  
It was winter, fricking cold and midnight. They just threw me out of the closing bar. I had no more energy to drag myself home and I was just thinking which doorway should I lay under when I saw a convenient car. It wasn’t locked and it seemed just perfect to hide in from the freeze. I got in and immediately fell asleep. Short after I woke up to somebody’s kind calling. It was the owner of the car. And he wasn’t even indignant about me sleeping in his car, he just wanted to ask me to get out of the car or tell him where to take me. But for his pity I was still very drunk, hit him and grumbled away. This wasn’t the first time I hit some stranger. I had so many fights I can’t even count them. But after this I felt much remosre. The next day I went back to the bar in the afternoon in hope of finding the car in the same place. It wasn’t there. I went back at night too. And the car was on the exact same place but the owner was nowhere to be found. I sat down next to the car and waited. Somewhen at dawn the guy appeared. As soon as I saw him I put on my best expression and appologised to him. The problem was just after a sentence I immediately quiped at him. He didn’t argue instead he was understanding and heard me through. And I kept speaking and speaking. But actually about nothing. I spoke about the cold, about football –that Im actually not a big fan of- about the shitty and good dishes, and complained about tiny problems. When we started freezing we got into his car and continued the conversation at my place. At first I was cautious. I’ve never opened up to anybody. Not even to my brother. But this was different. I complained about various stupid little things, but he kept listening and was paying attention to me like I was talking about the world’s most serious problems. Those beautiful blue eyes… I couldn’t resist myself. There was no compassion, neither contempt, no regret or inertia, just firmness and understanding. We met more times and spoke on mobile after that dawn. For the first few times we only spoke about regular things. For example I found out his name’s Castiel, he likes bees, PB’n’J, his favourite colour is green and ordenary stuff like this. But he didn’t say much, he was always reticent. And then the ice broke and I started talking about my childhood. I told him things I thought I burried deep inside of me I would never think of it again. I spoke about my curret stuff, about how many times I thought about suicide, about what I did and didn’t regret. Unfortunately we had worse days. There were days I drank so much that I shouted with him and called him everything, sometimes hit him. My depression still remained, I was insufferable way too many times, but he stayed beside me. I wish he didn’t. 

It was winter. I had been knowing Cas for a year. He had to take away for a week. I thought I could take it well, but I didn’t. By then he almost lived with me. The third day I got so drunk, I called him and spoke stupid stuff to him… more like… I sad if he doesn’t come home this instant I’ll kill myself. I had never heard him being so desperate before. He was panicking. And I enjoyed that. I enjoyed, because somebody finally needed me. Finally there was somebody that cared about me. And I couldn’t handle that. Of course it is not an excuse for what I did. While he was begging me not to do anything stupid I broke up the call and when he was calling back I didn’t pick up. I dont know what I was thinking. My whole life is horrible, I did cruel things. Things that shouldn’t be talked about. But I don’t regret any of that as much as what I did to Cas. Not long after that I put down the phone and I wasn’t willing to pick it up, I fell asleep. I slept until noon the next day like a baby. When I woke up, I expected him to be there. But he wasn’t. Either after hours he didn’t come. I got the news at night, that his car slipped, had an accident and died. He died because he rather chose a shortcut than the safe road. He would have never done something like that, he did that just because he was in a hurry. In a hurry, because he thought if he didn’t reach me in time I was gonna die. He died because of me. Not just that he died because of me but even at his last few hours I played with his feelings. I am a far greater monster than I would have ever thought. I didn’t go to his funeral. For what? He fell to a river his body was not found, I won't farewell to an empty coffin. Sam went to it, but I didn’t ask about it. I know only he, the priest and the grave-diggers were there anyway. Cas’ parents are dead, his brothers denied him, his friends betrayed him. He never told it this way, but I knew him that much to see the bitter truth behind his kind words. I have to make this right somehow. I know I won’t be able to do so because it is an awful mistake that it impossible to make right. I was selfish. Now I know, I have always been. I have embittered my own brother's and his families life… I killed my guardian angel who was more than a best friend. I always thought only for myself and did what felt best for me. I never thought about what that might do to others. I can’t bring back Cas, but I’ll try one thing. I’ll try to make his secret, impossible dream come true. I’ll gather myself up and stop wasting everybody around me. I’ll be a good brother and brother in law. I’ll try to put down drinking and try to get a job. Jess still doesn’t trust me but she got me a chance to prove myself. I’ll try to compliance to them with all my strenght. It seems I’ll get a permanent job (thanks to Sammy). I am better then before, but I can’t put down the bottle for good, altough I don’t get as drunk as before. But I have one clause for myself. Never go to group courses and never open up to anyone ever again. I won’t talk about my feelings or about my shitty childhood. I don’t want anybody as close to me as Cas. I feel I’d cheat on him that way. Back at the days I could push my emotions down for years, I think I can work with that now as well. The only difference is that I have to put up a fake smile too. But it’s worth it if I don’t ruin any more lifes and if I can recall Castiel’s memory this way.

**Author's Note:**

> **~WARNINGS~**
> 
> -major character death
> 
> -mentioned violence
> 
> -alcoholizm
> 
> **~o~**
> 
> Okay, so before I uploaded it, I re-read it.  
>  First of all I noticed some grammar mistakes (we fixed them later). And then I was shocked and in tears. I didn't remember some details. Like that Dean hit Cas sometimes. I just couldn't believe it? Why did I write it? Why didn't Castiel leave Dean? Did he think he deserved it or he just knew Dean well for the time when he first hit him? K, it's propably the second one _BUT STILL_. It would mean Castiel loved Dean sooo much he didn't leave him even when Dean was a huge asshole. So yeah, I just realized that their relationship was fucking unhealthy. But if I think about it it's not a big surprise since Cas died because of Dean...  
>  Some background infos from the time I was writing it:  
>  \- it is my first fic ever  
>  \- I was writing it in the middle of the night while chatting with two friends (I guess in the august of 2014)  
>  \- I couldn't tell if I was shipping Destiel or not. I read some Destiel fics and I was like 'yeah I wouldn't mind if it'd become canon' but I didn't really ship it. I was very uncertain. I didn't know if I should put Destiel obviously in the fic or not. So I just put the hint of it. Like '...who was more than a best friend. '  
>  \- the all story was built on Dean's phone call and Castiel's death  
>  \- I had an alternative continuation in my head but I never wrote it and never will


End file.
